Google Inc. Announces Purchase of Death Star Plans from Galactic Empire

8 Notes

Google Inc. CEO Eric Schmidt

MOUNTAIN VIEW, Calif. (June 16, 2010) - Google Inc. (NASDAQ: GOOG) today announced the purchase of the Death Star plans from the Galactic Empire further tightening their grip on the galaxy. Google’s philosophy stands much inline with that of the Galactic Empire in that they strive to “rule through fear of force rather than force itself.” Obtaining the Death Star plans brings Google even closer to their zenith.

Google is unsure when they will begin construction of the moon-sized space station. Upon completion, whenever it may be, Google says they plan to demonstrate the full power of their super-weapon by destroying anything at the completely random, unrelated location of Redmond, WA.

Linus Upson, Director of Engineering, Google Inc. says, “we see this as a fundamental shift in the way people think.” Clearly referring to the aforementioned philosophy of the Galactic Empire. The Death Stars will be “built upon other open source projects that are making significant contributions.” The other open source projects Upson refers to remain unknown (Perhaps Google Wave?) and the significant contributions can only be referring to the meaningless destruction of whatever lies at the utterly purposeless location of Redmond, WA.

The top-secret weapon is being guarded 24 hours a day and seven days a week by Stormtroopers of the Galactic Empire as part of the purchase agreement between the two super-powers. Eric Schmidt, CEO, Google Inc. stressed the importance that the plans being guarded by Stormtroopers citing that “only Imperial stormtroopers are so precise.”

Google plans to continually develop additional features for the Death Star. They plan to include turbolaser batteries, ion cannons, tractor beam projectors and hangar / docking bays which will contain assault shuttles, blastboats, Strike cruisers, land vehicles, support ships, and TIE fighters. Google will also start a hiring boon now in order to man the Death Star - they’ll need gunners, troops, stormtroopers, ship support staff, pilots and support crew. Google clearly understands that that their galaxywide success results from their globally diverse workforce. In every Google office, you will find challenging projects, smart people and robots with potential to change the world; in this case destroy stuff and make people scared.

The announcement to purchase the Death Star plans comes just a few weeks after Microsoft and Yahoo! agreed on an Internet search partnership to take on Google. According to the Associated Press “Microsoft finally persuaded Yahoo to surrender control of the Internet’s second most popular search engine and join it in a daunting battle — taking on the overwhelming dominance of Google in the online advertising market.” The partnership couldn’t have come at a better time for Microsoft who was rumored that their fire had gone out of the universe.

Speculators agree that Google’s latest maneuver is in direct retaliation for the said Internet search partnership. Time will tell if purchasing the Death Star plans will turn into fruition for Google. To date, not a single Google product has failed and all have received high critical acclaim. Google has already started to design a Death Star skin for their iGoogle interface, questions have already flooded Google Answers, users are looking for Death Star related coupons using Google Coupons and many are perplexed why they cant find some pieces of the Death Star plans anywhere in Google Labs.

There are no plans to move Google Headquarters from Silicon Valley to the Death Star.

Friendly greetings to the folke over at thedailycontributor.com. And a big Thank You for another very funny article!